


John Egbert vs Lord English: The final Battle of ultimateness - The Stupid, Sarcastic and Sub-Salacious Saga

by TCMMKLA



Series: The Stupid, Sarcastic and Sub-Salacious Saga [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: ??? - Freeform, Multi, The Stupid Sarcastic and Sub-Salacious Saga, randomly generated story, why
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-27
Updated: 2014-10-27
Packaged: 2018-02-22 17:27:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2515880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TCMMKLA/pseuds/TCMMKLA
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John Egbert-san and Lord English-san have thier final battle of epic ultimateness!! who will be the winner!! read to find out!!</p><p>~~~</p><p>I should explain all this.<br/>Basically, I found this wonderful little website called fanficmaker.com and if you have the settings /juuuuuuuust/ right, it gets really sarcastic and stupid and its the story becomes one of the things you see a weebaholic type of fan write (aka "oh take me, main character/hero/favourite character" said the beautiful mary sue based on the author, "okay i will" said the handsome/pretty, muscular/sexy, adventurous/sensual main character, and then they did the frick) and it produces some spectacular stories.</p><p>I should be posting a few of these every so often, and I guess I'm just doing it for filler reasons sorry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	John Egbert vs Lord English: The final Battle of ultimateness - The Stupid, Sarcastic and Sub-Salacious Saga

**Author's Note:**

> *~*~*~* NB: This is entirely sarcastic and is in no way serious. I have barely, if at all modified this from what the site gave me. Please keep that in mind. *~*~*~*

(*~* all edited text that ive put in will be like this should only be little comments here and there though *~*)

John Egbert-san had been fighting Lord English-sans mininons all night..

\--

My name is TCMMKLA-san. I was all alone, wondering around on my own. My parents said I was a curse so I was all alone on the streets. As I wondered down the forbidding streets, I found a leaflet on the floor. "Come to Maple Valley! It is the best. You will find loads of new friends and understanding people. Maybe you'll even be crowned Queen!"

Oh, I thought to myself, I'd love to be Queen! So I set out to Maple Valley!

\--

I was very nervous. I had never gone to Maple Valley and I wondered how they would treat me there.

\--

I arrived in Maple Valley and waited for a Plane to bring me to my new Warehouse. As I was waiting for a one to take me there, I saw I think a mysterious figure hiding in the shadows. 

It was as if he was looking at me!

I of course ran towards him and said, "What do you want?"

"For you to die!" the mysterious figure said and took out a knife and with a flash it came towards me. 

I grabbed him of course at his wrist and twisted it until he dropped his knife which I picked up and with one swift motion I stabbed and twisted the knife, right from his stomach up his ribs.

When I was done with the assilant I turned and looked straight into some guys eyes. They were so pretty and I delved right into them. Like soaking in a comfortable batch and the bulge in his trousers were something to long forward as well. His hair looked like the softest of velvet and encapsulated his face perfectly. 

I had completely forgotten the assailant. All I could think of was him. 

He looked perplexed and in awe at me: "That was amazing. You have to teach me your moves sometimes!"

"Who was that?" I asked.

"It must have been one of Lord English-san's henchmen" he said.

"Lord English-san!" I gasped, "I thought Lord English-san was defeated!"

"So did we... so did we." said he.

"But who are you then? OMG... you're not..." I gasped in asphexiation.

"It is true," he, "I am no one else but John Egbert-san.

I had dreamed to meet John Egbert-san at some point in my lifetime. But it always was a distant dream. One that when you wake up, all you remember is John Egbert-san's dreamy eyes and wonderful complexion. It was such a dream that I never thought could become real! But here he was, right before me. 

"I could never dream of meeting you," I said dreamily.

John Egbert-san grinned sheepishly, "Well, I had never thought of meeting such a great person like yourself."

I blushed.

"Hey," He said, "seeing as you're involved already, would you like to join me and the others to defeat Lord English-san for good?"

"that sounds great! When do I start?"

"now!" said John Egbert-san and he led me towards the others. And there we started planning to defeat Lord English-san!

\--

Arriving at the mysterious shack, John Egbert-san found that there was an item laying on the table in the shack. Around the shack was a mysterious circle drawn in intestines.

"Be careful" said Dave Strider-san who as usually was cowardly squatting behind John Egbert-san. (note: cuz Dave Strider-san is such a tool) (*~* oh my god *~*). John Egbert-san carefully manoeuvred into the shack and on his tiptoes and scuttled forward. The floorboards beneath his feet croaked and John Egbert-san could hear a loud hummer coming from the table. There the thing laid. Right there for his taking.

But John Egbert-san was clever. John Egbert-san knew it was a trap!(note: so obvious!)

 

So John Egbert-san said to Dave Strider-san, "Why don't you take it, it looks safe."  
And Dave Strider-san was like "Oh, well, if you're sure, I will!"( note: he so gullable lul!)  
John Egbert-san slowly paced backwards and let him to do the taking. John Egbert-san knew that if it was a trap, Dave Strider-san would be triggering it. And then Lord English-san would get him, but not him. John Egbert-san knew Dave Strider-san wouldn't mind sacrificing himself for him. He always said that.  
But fortunately when Dave Strider-san grabbed the thing, nothing happened. Except they were cowardly attacked by Minions's!

They hoped into the shack and fired shurikons at them, but they managed the dodge them quite well (by hiding behind eachother).

They defeated them quite quickly, they were no match for them. they smashed their heads in and ripped their clothes off and stabbed them until they stopped moving Hero's blade was serenaded, so it ripped their stomachs open and blood and guts flew everywhere. Then when everything was dead, John Egbert-san licked off the blade erotically.

But now with the thing in their hands, they could take Lord English-san straight on!

\--

 

It must be here somewhere, but I have no idea where it could be", wondered John Egbert-san  
At that moment, Dave Strider-san fell down some steps near a Skyscraper. (*~*again i reiterate that i have not typed any of this i got this all pre-generated from the site*~*)  
At the bottom was Lord English-san`s new Mansion!  
As they entered there was lots of Loyal followerss.   
So they swung back their trenchcoats and murdercided them all with their concealed Dessert eagles of awesome.  
They stepped over the dead bodies and made their way forward past the blood and guts they sprayed over the walls just moments before. Rose Lalonde-san vomited in disgust and blood came out.  
"Lets take the ventalation shaft!"   
"Thats a good plan, so we can sneak to the roof undetected"   
So they got into the ventilation shaft.   
TCMMKLA-san needed to remove some cloths in order to fit. So did Rose Lalonde-san, who stripped to her flower patterned bra. Dave Strider-san joined in by removing his pants (even though he didnt need to because he was skinny and would fit in fine anyway without the need to remove his pants). Karkat Vantas-san took off his shirt too.  
John Egbert-san just took all the clothes off, it was easier.His manhold swung beneath him as he crawled into the passage.  
The passage was narrow, so they bleed a bit to squeeze past. They travelled up to the roof avoiding the security systems because they are smart.   
We are here, said John Egbert-san crawling out the vent, and putting his shirt on. 

"So you have come" said a voice booming from the sky   
A Hangglider appeared above them.   
Lord English-san laughed at them from it.  
"Ha Ha Ha Ha"   
"I could gun you all down from here with my Machinegun, but I would rather do this...personal style."  
He leaped down and landed at the far side of the rooftop   
"Ready?" he said, still laughing. 

John Egbert-san removed his shirt and flexed his abs.   
"Yes. I am ready. I was born ready."   
With that they leaped at eachother, metaphorical guns blazing (which were actual Pulse pistols).   
"I kill you dead"   
Lord English-san head butted John Egbert-san in the chest  
Blood splashed onto the floor.  
John Egbert-san fell backwards in pain punching a few times before crashing to the ground.   
"Ha Ha Ha Ha" laughed Lord English-san  
"You could never have defeated me, so why did you even try?"   
"I had too, for all that is good and just in the world."   
"Well now you will die. Goodbye."   
Lord English-san leaned over John Egbert-san holding his (*~*there was no way i was leaving this in and i know that this whole thing may be stupid and sarcastic but jesus christ its a horrible thought... feel free to guess if thats what you ship*~*).

"Quick John Egbert-san use this!" said TCMMKLA-san, chucking a nearby fridge towards John Egbert-san.  
John Egbert-san grabbed it and chucked it towards Lord English-san hard, knocking him backwards....off the edge of the tall Building they were on!   
"Goodbye, Lord English-san have a nice fall!"   
"ARrrrrgggg"   
SPLAT!  
Some blood sprayed up and splashed on them.   
"We are safe now, he fell to certain doom."   
Dave Strider-san and Karkat Vantas-san got out from the corner where they were cuddleing. "Thank you, you saved us all"   
"Dont mention it." 

So they left the tower and went home. They lived happily ever after and eventurally died. :(  
The End

**Author's Note:**

> im crying my eyes hurt my lungs hurt my everything hurts
> 
> expect more of this soon okay


End file.
